OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD WAKE UP MOMMY WAKE UP MOMMY IT'S MORNING CAN'T YOU GET UP LOOK AT THE SUN IT'S SO PRETTY LET'S GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP!
*stomps on my head, repeatedly*
*uses all 90# of his weight on my stomach*
*I get up*
Ohmygodohmygod you're awake! Let's play! BARK! BARK! BARK!
*runs franticly in circles like a fly with one wing*
Oh you're taking a shower?! How dare you! I'm going to pull the curtain back so I can SEEEEE YOUUUU! Ooo water on the floor! Hi! What are you doing?! You're all wet! I lick your leg! LICK!
WHAT IS THAT AWESOME NOISE IS THAT THE BLOW DRYER OH MY GOD I LOVE THE BLOW DRYER I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!
*sits on my feet and pushes me over*
What?!?! You're leaving?! Without me!? Pout... Sad.....
Oh... well... Mommy's gone. Now what?!
*beats up his sister*
*chases the cat*
Oooo *sniff* what's that in that locked cupboard there? Uncooked rice! WHEEE!!! OMMNOMMNOMMNOMMM
*BUUUUUURP* Wow a few pounds of rice were just what I needed!!!!!
What's that over there?! Mommy's bookcase!!! Dessert!!! YEEHAW!!!! *eats 3 books*
I DON'T FEEL GOOD......
*sharts all over the carpet*
*pukes in the living room*
*explosive diarrhea in the kitchen*
OHMYGOD IS THAT MOMMY'S CAR IT'S MOMMY'S CAR SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK!!!
Oh... wait... I shat all over the house..... *runs and hides*
Me: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAPPENED IN HERE!??!?!?!?!??!?!
*slinks back in the room*
*wags tail pathetically*
*forgets why he's slinking*
OHMYGOD YOUR'E HOME YOU'RE HOME FEED ME!!!! FEEEEEEDDDDD MMEEEEEE!!!! I'M DYING OF STARVATION!!! I JUST SHIT OUT ALL THE RICE I ATE SO I'M HUUUUUUNNNGRYYYY!!!!!
(Side note: you know how those fucking dog trainers tell you to ignore your dog when he's doing something wrong, and he'll stop doing it? Riiiiiiight....)
*feeds the dogs*
LOOK!!! THE GUY FOUR HOUSES DOWN IS WASHING HIS CAR!!! I NEED TO EAT HIM!!! WHY ARE YOU WASHING YOUR CAR FOUR HOUSES AWAY FROM ME!!!???!!! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
*ring ring... phone call*
BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!!! HIII!!! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HIIIIIII!!! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?! BARK! BARK! BARK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO MEEEEEEE!!!! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME IN THE BACK BEDROOM.... BARK! BARK! BARK! WHINE! WHINE! CRY! CRY!
Oh man, what a day!!! I'm pooped (hehehe)!!!!
*forcibly climbs ON me in the recliner, making sure to leverage all of his ninety pounds by stepping on every tender bit of my body, and promptly falls asleep*
SNOOORREEEE.... SNORRREEEEEE... TWITCH TWITCH RUNRUNRUN WHIMPER CRY WHINE SQUEAL KICK KICK SNUFFLE SIGH...... SNOREEEEE.... SNORRREEEEEE....
And that, y'all, is why I believe my dog is certifiably insane.