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Saturday, July 16, 2011

Aquariums aren't just for anklebiters

Holy freaking balls, y'all. Aquariums fucking rock. Especially the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

We went on a goddamn adventure today, yo, meeting up with some peeps from New York and generally ruining the awesome atmosphere in Monterey. Fuck, y'all, I OWNED that place.

First off, I haven't been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium since I was a wee little snot-rag of about 5 years old. So... it's all brand-fucking-new to me. It's like releasing an over-sized, over-boozed 5 year old to wreak havoc among the masses.

Beautiful day, in all seriousness. It's usually much colder on the Coast, so a 75*, almost windless day was aaaahmazing.

There's really not much to tell at this point, so I'll saturate y'all with some motherfucking pictures.

Jellyfish, YO!



Awesome pic, BFD (Best Friend Dude)'s hand in there...

Motherfucking ZOMBIE FISH!

Awesome outfit (yes those are Vibrams)

Poky Crabs... Oh NOOO!!

And then... I got bored. The fucking anklebiter little shit heads kept running into Zombie Foot, pushing my cripple ass out of the way, and generally causing (unpleasant) mayhem and madness. So, I played dirty.

One little snot decided to SHOVE BFD out of the way to look at seahorses. So... in a wildly inappropriate moment, I told the little bugger "HEY! You DON'T just shove people out of the way"... jerk says "Wuhellll... I SAID exchuuuuse me!"... er... right.... Cue the "I'm an adult goddamnit go find your spawn-mother and make her control you" face. I swear that kid will never shove someone again in his poor, sad little life.

I had to restrain myself when at the stingray pool. You can pet stingrays!!!! It's amazing!!! But, I had to fight off rabid packs of little buttmunches pushing and shoving in front of people waiting, and their self-centered parents pushing Stroller-Mobiles the size of a goddamn Honda Civic right into you. One kid decided "HEY! I'M A PSYCHOTIC KID! I THINK IN CAPS LOCK! I'M GOING TO CRAWL UP ON THE EDGE OF THIS POOL FILLED WITH FUCKING STING RAYS AND STICK BOTH ARMS IN THE POOL! LOOK AT ME! YOU SHOULD KNEE ME IN THE ASS SO I FALL IN AND THE SHARKS EAT ME!!!" I so wanted to knee him in the ass, after he splashed me with foul, stingray poo water. But... I wanted to see the rest of the aquarium, and I didn't reeeeally feel like going to jail, either. So I didn't push him. This time.

Anywhoo, I decided to be a kiddo. I jumped in front of everyone. I hogged the exhibits I liked. I made friends with statues. Oh yeaaah!

Those motherfucking penguins are HUGE!!!!! I mean, I'm six freaking feet tall, and this fucking penguin is almost as tall as me. But... I got some little squirts to stare at my awesomeness, so it was so worth it.

What?!?!?!? Got fucking COWS?!?! Aren't we in a goddamn AQUARIUM for fuck's sake?! Needless to say, me and Bessie made real good friends, real quick. She keeps trying to claim I violated her, the hussy.

And then I got sidetracked by the jellyfish.... 

Thankfully we washed away the Kid Juice by drinking some "Zombies"... (some freaking rum infused passionfruit vodka freaking cocktail in a Tiki glass). And an awesome day was had by all, except for the kidlet I scarred for life.

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