Children make terrible pets

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Well someone pissed in everyone's Cheerios today

7/28 "Well someone pissed in everyone's Cheerios today"

A Spoonful of Random

A Spoonful of Random

How to appear suspicious to cops

Howdy everyone! Find my newest blog post here, and enjoy!


Kisses,
Taz

Moving host sites

Well, kids, I've been pissed off at Blogspot from day 1 for not letting me copy/paste posts from Word, so I found Wordpress.com and I'm mighty impressed. I hope a few of you viewers follow me over, cause I love y'all (peep love, holla!), but... I understand if you don't. But, the new forum is far more customizable and I love it.... I've got some popsicles! bwhahaha!

Visit me now at tazerwarriorprincess@wordpress.com

I'll keep double posting here for a while, hopefully y'all will catch up with me.

Kisses,
TAZ

A day in the life of a sadistic sociopathic retarded dog named Cyrus

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD WAKE UP MOMMY WAKE UP MOMMY IT'S MORNING CAN'T YOU GET UP LOOK AT THE SUN IT'S SO PRETTY LET'S GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP!

*stomps on my head, repeatedly*
*uses all 90# of his weight on my stomach*

WAAAAAAAAAKE UUUUUUP!

*headbutts me*
*I get up*

Ohmygodohmygod you're awake! Let's play! BARK! BARK! BARK!
*runs franticly in circles like a fly with one wing*


Oh you're taking a shower?! How dare you! I'm going to pull the curtain back so I can SEEEEE YOUUUU! Ooo water on the floor! Hi! What are you doing?! You're all wet! I lick your leg! LICK!
WHAT IS THAT AWESOME NOISE IS THAT THE BLOW DRYER OH MY GOD I LOVE THE BLOW DRYER I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!
*sits on my feet and pushes me over*

What?!?! You're leaving?! Without me!? Pout... Sad.....

Oh... well... Mommy's gone. Now what?!

*beats up his sister*
*chases the cat*

Oooo *sniff* what's that in that locked cupboard there? Uncooked rice! WHEEE!!! OMMNOMMNOMMNOMMM

*BUUUUUURP* Wow a few pounds of rice were just what I needed!!!!!

What's that over there?! Mommy's bookcase!!! Dessert!!! YEEHAW!!!! *eats 3 books*

I DON'T FEEL GOOD......

*sharts all over the carpet*
*pukes in the living room*
*explosive diarrhea in the kitchen*

OHMYGOD IS THAT MOMMY'S CAR IT'S MOMMY'S CAR SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK SHE'S BACK!!!

Oh... wait... I shat all over the house..... *runs and hides*

Me: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAPPENED IN HERE!??!?!?!?!??!?!

*slinks back in the room*
*wags tail pathetically*
*forgets why he's slinking*

OHMYGOD YOUR'E HOME YOU'RE HOME FEED ME!!!! FEEEEEEDDDDD MMEEEEEE!!!! I'M DYING OF STARVATION!!! I JUST SHIT OUT ALL THE RICE I ATE SO I'M HUUUUUUNNNGRYYYY!!!!!

FEEDMERIGHTNOWI'MDYINGOFSTARVATIONIFYOUDON'TFEEDMERIGHTNOWIWILLDIEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Side note: you know how those fucking dog trainers tell you to ignore your dog when he's doing something wrong, and he'll stop doing it? Riiiiiiight....)

*feeds the dogs*

LOOK!!! THE GUY FOUR HOUSES DOWN IS WASHING HIS CAR!!! I NEED TO EAT HIM!!! WHY ARE YOU WASHING YOUR CAR FOUR HOUSES AWAY FROM ME!!!???!!! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

*ring ring... phone call*

BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!!! HIII!!! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!  HIIIIIII!!! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?! BARK! BARK! BARK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO MEEEEEEE!!!! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME IN THE BACK BEDROOM.... BARK! BARK! BARK! WHINE! WHINE! CRY! CRY!

Oh man, what a day!!! I'm pooped (hehehe)!!!!

*forcibly climbs ON me in the recliner, making sure to leverage all of his ninety pounds by stepping on every tender bit of my body, and promptly falls asleep*

SNOOORREEEE.... SNORRREEEEEE... TWITCH TWITCH RUNRUNRUN WHIMPER CRY WHINE SQUEAL KICK KICK SNUFFLE SIGH...... SNOREEEEE.... SNORRREEEEEE....

And that, y'all, is why I believe my dog is certifiably insane.

Aquariums aren't just for anklebiters

Holy freaking balls, y'all. Aquariums fucking rock. Especially the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

We went on a goddamn adventure today, yo, meeting up with some peeps from New York and generally ruining the awesome atmosphere in Monterey. Fuck, y'all, I OWNED that place.

First off, I haven't been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium since I was a wee little snot-rag of about 5 years old. So... it's all brand-fucking-new to me. It's like releasing an over-sized, over-boozed 5 year old to wreak havoc among the masses.

Beautiful day, in all seriousness. It's usually much colder on the Coast, so a 75*, almost windless day was aaaahmazing.

There's really not much to tell at this point, so I'll saturate y'all with some motherfucking pictures.

Jellyfish, YO!

HIGH FIVE TURTLE! YAAA!

MOOOOAR TURTLE!!

Awesome pic, BFD (Best Friend Dude)'s hand in there...

Motherfucking ZOMBIE FISH!

Awesome outfit (yes those are Vibrams)

Poky Crabs... Oh NOOO!!

And then... I got bored. The fucking anklebiter little shit heads kept running into Zombie Foot, pushing my cripple ass out of the way, and generally causing (unpleasant) mayhem and madness. So, I played dirty.

One little snot decided to SHOVE BFD out of the way to look at seahorses. So... in a wildly inappropriate moment, I told the little bugger "HEY! You DON'T just shove people out of the way"... jerk says "Wuhellll... I SAID exchuuuuse me!"... er... right.... Cue the "I'm an adult goddamnit go find your spawn-mother and make her control you" face. I swear that kid will never shove someone again in his poor, sad little life.

I had to restrain myself when at the stingray pool. You can pet stingrays!!!! It's amazing!!! But, I had to fight off rabid packs of little buttmunches pushing and shoving in front of people waiting, and their self-centered parents pushing Stroller-Mobiles the size of a goddamn Honda Civic right into you. One kid decided "HEY! I'M A PSYCHOTIC KID! I THINK IN CAPS LOCK! I'M GOING TO CRAWL UP ON THE EDGE OF THIS POOL FILLED WITH FUCKING STING RAYS AND STICK BOTH ARMS IN THE POOL! LOOK AT ME! YOU SHOULD KNEE ME IN THE ASS SO I FALL IN AND THE SHARKS EAT ME!!!" I so wanted to knee him in the ass, after he splashed me with foul, stingray poo water. But... I wanted to see the rest of the aquarium, and I didn't reeeeally feel like going to jail, either. So I didn't push him. This time.

Anywhoo, I decided to be a kiddo. I jumped in front of everyone. I hogged the exhibits I liked. I made friends with statues. Oh yeaaah!

Those motherfucking penguins are HUGE!!!!! I mean, I'm six freaking feet tall, and this fucking penguin is almost as tall as me. But... I got some little squirts to stare at my awesomeness, so it was so worth it.

What?!?!?!? Got fucking COWS?!?! Aren't we in a goddamn AQUARIUM for fuck's sake?! Needless to say, me and Bessie made real good friends, real quick. She keeps trying to claim I violated her, the hussy.

And then I got sidetracked by the jellyfish.... 

Thankfully we washed away the Kid Juice by drinking some "Zombies"... (some freaking rum infused passionfruit vodka freaking cocktail in a Tiki glass). And an awesome day was had by all, except for the kidlet I scarred for life.